It’s one of those times right now that I just randomly go through your Facebook profile because I am bored out of my mind and looking for trouble. Yes, trouble is the word to describe what this is. 29 months later and to be honest, I still miss you. I never admitted it, I never uttered a single word about it to anyone, neither have I ever actually realised it because I had chosen the option of burying that feeling deep in a dark hole somewhere inside me. It’s insane how you can never completely 100% DELETE a certain feeling, memory or emotion about someone, despite time. Yes, time heals everything, but it doesn’t exactly bin these thoughts and erase them such that I do not have any recollection of you at all.
I’m reading through some of our old messages and I was brought back to how we started out, with you being so shy to tell me that you were into me too and then we just decided to take it off from there. And how I was away half the time but we kept telling each other we couldn’t wait to spend Sundays watching trashy MTV shows like Tila Tequila and America’s Best Dance Crew (though that’s not trashy of course), and Gossip Girl and Lipstick Jungle. You hated my girly shows of course, but you tolerated them anyway because that was an excuse to have me over and we’d be cuddling in your couch and once in a while push each other off the edge to show who’s boss. And then you’d message me asking if I was going over to yours for dinner, or if we’d order some pizza and waste the evening away reading graphic novels or you playing video games while I try my best to understand how your eccentric mind works.
Then there was that time, captured in our Facebook exchanges as well when we were trying to rationalise what we were and arguments that ensued because I was always the first one to be mad at you and call it off. And before we knew it, things were good again because they had always been, but I just need someone to remind me not to be consumed by my irrational insecurities. And then that one time you left for a trip and you let me reign your apartment and I just missed you the most during that time. And when you came back I was the happiest girl on earth because you got me the loveliest thing I can ever have. Which I conveniently left at yours that day I walked away.
I miss you and I always will, although I don’t say much of it. And now all I can do it just drop a hello note in your inbox, hoping to hear from you. Whether you decide to keep in touch or not, I wish you well anyway.
