I hope you have the answers to the questions I am about to ask you. Because I don’t. I don’t know what this craziness is, I don’t know where this is coming from, neither can I explain fully the logic behind how things are spinning way out of my control too quickly.
We can blame it on circumstances. Maybe the circumstances of our lives right now, yours and mine, individually, are reasons to justify how we were destined to meet. But I’m not too sure if I’m ready to put destiny in the equation. It’s a little too quick for us to jump on that destiny conclusion before we factor in everything else. Maybe it’s time…the time when I met you was as timely as the year was coming to an end, and I was ready to start a new chapter in my life, and along came a new person into it. Maybe it was that first conversation, which sparked something between the both of us, making me keen on exploring the possibilities. Or maybe…maybe there is just no reason nor excuse needed to explain this anymore.
It drives me crazy wondering how and why we spin into this territory that I seldom want to go into; emotions. How on earth did you become the first person I think about every morning, out of all the people who have existed in my life longer than you have? How do you explain why you are the only person I think about every night before I go to sleep, out of the many things I have to think about in preparing myself for the next day? Why does a mention of your name make me turn, and why does seeing a new text message from you make me smile or even giggle when I’m alone in the train or at my desk in the office?
Why is it that I feel that spending 25 hours a day with you is never enough? How did you figure out how to make me laugh or what makes me happy when I start to frown or worry about other things? Why do I feel like I’m the luckiest girl right now because I have you?
I’m about to brace myself for the unknown, and for the first time in the longest time, I’m ready to open that pandora’s box of emotions, a territory I have not long ventured into because I often fear the unknown. But this time, there seem to be a sort of serendipity in the way things are unfolding and I am thirsty for more of it, to see how it’ll grow and develop from here. For what it’s worth, I’m ready to take a shot at it if you are.
Yours truly.
t-t-to the top of the world!
It’s one of those times right now that I just randomly go through your Facebook profile because I am bored out of my mind and looking for trouble. Yes, trouble is the word to describe what this is. 29 months later and to be honest, I still miss you. I never admitted it, I never uttered a single word about it to anyone, neither have I ever actually realised it because I had chosen the option of burying that feeling deep in a dark hole somewhere inside me. It’s insane how you can never completely 100% DELETE a certain feeling, memory or emotion about someone, despite time. Yes, time heals everything, but it doesn’t exactly bin these thoughts and erase them such that I do not have any recollection of you at all.
I’m reading through some of our old messages and I was brought back to how we started out, with you being so shy to tell me that you were into me too and then we just decided to take it off from there. And how I was away half the time but we kept telling each other we couldn’t wait to spend Sundays watching trashy MTV shows like Tila Tequila and America’s Best Dance Crew (though that’s not trashy of course), and Gossip Girl and Lipstick Jungle. You hated my girly shows of course, but you tolerated them anyway because that was an excuse to have me over and we’d be cuddling in your couch and once in a while push each other off the edge to show who’s boss. And then you’d message me asking if I was going over to yours for dinner, or if we’d order some pizza and waste the evening away reading graphic novels or you playing video games while I try my best to understand how your eccentric mind works.
Then there was that time, captured in our Facebook exchanges as well when we were trying to rationalise what we were and arguments that ensued because I was always the first one to be mad at you and call it off. And before we knew it, things were good again because they had always been, but I just need someone to remind me not to be consumed by my irrational insecurities. And then that one time you left for a trip and you let me reign your apartment and I just missed you the most during that time. And when you came back I was the happiest girl on earth because you got me the loveliest thing I can ever have. Which I conveniently left at yours that day I walked away.
I miss you and I always will, although I don’t say much of it. And now all I can do it just drop a hello note in your inbox, hoping to hear from you. Whether you decide to keep in touch or not, I wish you well anyway.
I miss you, Matt.
